American Elections: A real life soap

Though the upcoming election has frequently been called one of the most important America will face, it’s become a water cooler topic for the wrong reasons — namely, that Republican politicians have put their feet in their mouths, or in other ways embarrassed themselves. Again. And again. And again. Here’s a run-down of the best political fumbles, from the Republican debates to the presidential debates, and everything in between.

MICHELLE BACHMANN

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The Republican congresswoman made some bizarre remarks during her run for the presidential nomination, but none were nearly as weird as her comment about the HPV vaccine causing “retardation.” She attributed the statement to a distraught woman who’d approached her after an event, whose child had allegedly suffered retardation after the vaccine. As it turns out, this serious accusation merely followed Bachmann’s trend of presenting utter falsehoods as facts. It figures — the only female candidate is the morbidly insane one.

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HERMANCAIN

Better known for his success in the fast food industry (yes, he’s the Godfather’s Pizza guy), Cain had a short-lived run at the Republican presidential nomination. It’s amusing enough to see someone well known for his delicious fast food run for president (almost as funny as seeing Donald Trump take his shot at creating the Trump White House), but Cain unintentionally made himself a laughing stock. In his closing remarks at a Republican debate, Cain quoted, in his own words, a poet: “life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.”

Anyone familiar with Pokemon: The Movie 2000 knew immediately that Cain wasn’t quoting a poet; he was quoting the movie’s theme song, “The Power of One” by Donna Summers. He also quoted the song on his official campaign website, and attributed it to the closing song of the 2000 Olympics.

It looks like someone in the Cain campaign slacked on fact-checking mistakes, because they couldn’t catch ‘em all

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RICK PERRY

In his first political advertisement — which received more dislikes on Youtube than Rebecca Black’s “Friday” — Rick Perry regretfully informed us of the state of America: gay men and women can serve openly in the military, but our kids can’t pray in school! The horror! While crying out for the need for more religion and less gays in America, Perry strutted around a hill wearing a very wholesome looking beige jacket with a brown collar. The same wholesome beige jacket that Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) wore in Brokeback Mountain (2005), shortly before taking it off to make passionate, emotionally-confused love to Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal). Woops!

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RICK SANTORUM

Shortly after Chick-fil-A stirred up controversy by announcing that they believed marriage should only be between a man and a woman, Rick Santorum, like other Republican politicians, jumped to their defense. He tweeted “With two of my boys, Enjoying chick-in-strips and an awesome peach shake at Chick-fil-A.” Then he and his two boys went paint-balling in Aurora!

Just kidding! Santorum did, however, follow that Chick-fil-A tweet with another one: “Three older kids just joined us at Chick-fil-A. They like Chick-fil-A sauce on everything!”

Sometimes it’s just too easy.

Along the same lines, search “Santorum” in Google. Just don’t have a sip of your peach milkshake first; it’ll end up all over the computer screen.

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PAUL RYAN

The vice presidential candidate seems to value looks over substance. On the way to the airport Ryan and his family stopped by an Ohio soup kitchen run by the St. Vincent De Paul Society to have their picture taken. When they arrived at the soup kitchen, all the work had been done: the food had been served to patrons, who had already left, and the hall was cleaned up. Ryan and his family donned aprons and re-washed clean dishes for a quick photo op with photographers and videographers.

Well, at least Paul Ryan can pretend he helps out the poor and downtrodden. Maybe it’ll help him sleep better while he plans to phase out Medicare.

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MITT ROMNEY

The Republican presidential candidate has bounced back and forth on key issues, or refused to state a position entirely, leaving Americans (and invested Canadians) wondering who, exactly, is the real Mitt Romney. He’s pro-choice, then he’s pro-life; he’s pro-trickle down economy then, suddenly, he’s against it.

During his second debate with Obama, viewers got a rare glimpse of Mitt Romney, unedited. When asked about gender inequalities in the workforce, Romney related a story about how, when looking for members of his cabinet, he took a concerted effort to employ women. “I went to a number of women’s groups, and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’” he said, “And they brought us whole binders full of women.”

His comments were supposed to come off sympathetic, but good old Mittens just proved, yet again, how out of touch he is with women. Possible male cabinet members are all over the place, but trying to find women candidates? Well they’re near impossible to locate. He needed people to find him binders full of women.

Oh, and what’s that? He strove to let female employees go early so they could cook dinner? How nice, Mr. Romney!